Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
you traded sex for a burrito?
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
