OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Randomize
