planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
