So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I use my feet as sexual weapons
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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