She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
