How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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