YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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