The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Randomize
