We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
