Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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