true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
The police scanner is talking about you again....
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
