he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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