Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Randomize
