So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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