the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Dignity is for republicans.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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