Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
