Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
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You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
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I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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