when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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