if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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