I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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