Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
