There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
