Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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