Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Randomize
