We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
