dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
