Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Randomize
