Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
