he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
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I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
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I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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