A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
