I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize