yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
