Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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