Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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