He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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