You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
