On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
