these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
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I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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