so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
