I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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