Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
