i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
