Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Randomize
