Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
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