Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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