I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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