We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
my phone needs a breathalizer
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
