he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
