It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Randomize
