What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
