At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Randomize
