just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Randomize
