you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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