my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
