My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
