my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
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There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
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