I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
