im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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