Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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