morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
