i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
