Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Randomize
