I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
